Internship Report; A Depressed Report; A Bad Programme

I've lost 10% for my internship report.
The reason is I passed it up late.
My lecturer told me that the due date was 3rd of May.
I passed it up on 8th of May.
I thought I've followed the instruction stated in the internship manual.
Pass up within a week after end of internship.
I thought I've passed it up earlier.

10% for the report.
And another 10% for the evaluation given by my site supervisor.
So, I've lost 20% in total.

I cried for a few days and thought of commiting suicide.
I thought of various ways of making my lecturer(s) feel regret.
Commit suicide might be the best way.
I thought of cutting my wrist and took a nice shot of the wound.
Then, MMS it to all my lecturers.
I thought of carrying out in my home during the weekend.
Somehow, I've no courage to do so.
I thought about my parents' feelings and my little Xean Xean's feelings.

Soon, I returned to my internship place.
I thought of cutting my wrist in the midnight in the hostel.
I'd let my blood dry up.
My bed in the hostel is totally in white colour.
So, it'd be extremely artistic with the colour of my blood.
I thought for a long time.
I cried.
However, it was just a thought.
No action was taken.

I realise that my depression episode is happening more frequently.
I can't help myself.
I can't stop thinking about ways to sabotage myself.
I'll feel relief once I hurt myself, regardless of the size of the wound.

I just read a book called "Suspect".
It's a story about a psychologist in his way to prove himself to be innocent in a homicide case.
The victim was Catherine.
She was once the psychologist's patient, with a tendency of sabotaging herself when she was sad.
I found that I'm Catherine.
I like to sabotaging myself.
After doing so, I'll be very happy.

The internship report has made me suffer from depressive episode for a few days.
I really dislike my programme.
It's a suck.
I always blame on my one of my lecturers.
He was the one who didn't allow me to change to another programme which I love so much.
I hate him.
He promised he'd let me go once I finished first year in the current programme.\
He lied to me.
He never thought of letting his students to change to any other programmes of their interest.
I'm in a field which makes me suffer from insomnia and hypertension.

I feel that I'm lucky that I can still blog right now.
I always think of "what if..." in many circumstances.

I really hate the programme even though I'm moving towards the end of my study.
Sound very sarcastic.

I've to learn to love myself.
I need support to stop sabotaging myself.
It'll end up with too many wounds then if I don't control.
It hurts.

xpp

Counselling

I'm not keen on doing counselling session.
I feel like I'm burned out.
I'm satisfied with the treatment that I received in this place.
Yet, I'm not a good, or professional, counsellor, or counsellor trainee.
I'm still thinking of switching to other fields, maybe HR, financial, logistic, commodity, for instance.
After listening to buddy's experience in the world of work, I feel doubtful and confused about my own career.
Of course my lecturers are hoping their students to register as a liciensed counsellor.
Somehow, I don't feel like doing so.
It's not that I'm scared of the Board of Counsellor, it's that I'm not really suitable to the counselling field.
Counselling is a helping profession and I like to help others (it's because I don't know how to say "No").
Still, I'm not that outstanding in this field.
And I'd trouble myself for being so-called helpful to others.
Counselling is a good field of study and a profession with good future perspective.
I'm not in the field.
It does help me to improve myself in controlling my emotions and getting to know myself better.
Still, I couldn't help myself.
It's like the Chinese proverb: "Neng Yi Bu Neng Zi Yi".
It means doctor can heal people but not himself.
I feel that I'm in this situation and condition.
I can counselling people but I can't do it for my own.
I can't even try to ease myself with rational thought at times.
Maybe I need to meet with some experienced counsellors or social workers so that they can help me in dealing with "the little myself" inside my heart.
It's really a hard thing to think of.

XPP

Trips during Internship

Although I'm dissatisfied with one of the intern in the organisation that I'm attached with, I'm happy with the workload here.
I've chances to travel to places that due to programmes that organised by the organisations.
I travelled to Muar, Johor together with Chief Inspector Chumil (now is ASP Chumil) due to a lecture on stress management.
Within the week, I travelled there again due to the ice-breaking part of the basic communication course.
Thus, I've been there twice.
Then, I went back to Ipoh during Chinese New Year without any payment because I was going back with Sub-Inspector Jelani and Sergeant Alias using the police car.
In March, I went to Merlimau, Malacca due to a programme organised by the civilian counsellors.
I was supposed to go to Ayer Hitam, Terengganu and Sungai Petani, Kedah according to the schedule of the civilian counsellors.
I didn't go since one of the intern here made complain about the trip to Merlimau in front of my beloved site supervisor.
As a result, my site supervisor was so angry with the civilian counsellors as till she didn't allow the three of us to follow any trip organised by them.
However, I'll be going to Cherating, Pahang in the coming Sunday without any payment.
My beloved site supervisor'll share her room with me.
And the participants are very sporting police officers.
It's really a great experience in this place.
There are a mother, father, sister and other family members in the office.
Everyone is so lovely and helpful.
Everyone is helping me in getting my credit hours willingly.
I feel appreciated in this place very much.
It's a good place to undergo internship.

XPP

Dissatisfaction

Finally, there is someone who knows my condition and feelings.
I'm not the fire stone to make them quarrel.
I just want to share my emotions so that I won't be overwhelmed with dissatisfaction and unhappiness.
I thought I'm the only one being bullied.
The others also feel the same that I'm bullied by the so-called brilliant student.
The so-called brilliant student always makes others feel down by sharing his experience that he can handle EVERYTHING and no one could question or compete with him.
Is it he is so BRILLIANT?
Well, I think he has low self-esteem.
He just wants to ensure that his self-esteem is higher than others by showing off.
DISGUSTING!!!
EXTREMELY DISGUSTING!!!
Now, I feel that he is really a JERK.
A JERK who makes me feel sick.
How could a counselling student have such attitude?
From MU...
I really wonder.
Talking about professionalism, he always complains that the civilian officers are very bad and not professional at all in organising programme.
He never thinks about himself or looks back and evaluates his attitude and behaviours.
He is not professional as well.
I think laziness is the dominant factor contributes to his poor attitude and behaviours.
Whenever another intern or I asks him to give lecture or help in handling programme, his answer is always NO.
Somehow, he claims the credit in his log book.
When another intern and I are giving lecture or helping in programme, he is chatting via the Internet using Yahoo messenger.
SO UNFAIR!!!
It's fine if he doesn't want to do the work .
I can accept it.
BUT dON'T CLAIM CREDIT FOR THINGS THAT YOU DIDN'T DO!!!
AND NEVER COMMENT ON OTHER PEOPLE'S WORK WHEN YOU ARE ONLY A PASSIVE MEMBER!!!
NOT PASSIVE, BUT NEVER CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING!!!
JERK!!!
JERK!!!
JERK!!!
Luckily, my internship will be finished very soon.
I'll only keep in touch with another intern.
I feel sick to contact him.
He knows very well about empathy but never practises it.
Really a BIG CHEAP ASS HOLE!!!
I'm extremely angry with him.

xpp

Experience in the Royal Malaysia Police

I think it's really a great choice that I chose RMP as my internship place.
I gained a lot of experience there.
I learnt how to make sure people are comfortable with me and my work.
I learnt how to pretend myself.
I learnt how to control my emotion rather than letting it control me.
I learnt how to be helpful.
I learnt how to be systematic my my work.
I learnt ... ... ...
I couldn't list out one by one.
I learnt a lot.
Some of my friends are worried about me.
They are worried that I can't cope with the internship as it's a stressful so-called subject.
Internship, it's really stressful but I've to overcome it.
I can't let it overtake me.
My life is under my control.
I've faith in me.
I'm thankful that I went for the Silva Mind course.
I learnt how to be confident with myself.
I'm on my way to boost up my confidence.
I must do the best for myself.
RMP is a great field.
It taught me a lot.
I hope my juniors can have the same experience or even more experience when he or she is attached to RMP.

("v")

Internship

There'll be 2 more weeks to go to finish my internship.
I intend to extend the duration till the end of April.
I'm supposed to finished on April 25th 2008.
I think I should finished on April 30t 2008.
It's for my own convenience and as well for my beloved site supervisor.
Besides, I haven't finished with my individual session.
I can't just refer my clients to other counsellor.
I think it's irresponsible.
I'm not saying that I'm a responsible girl.
I'm not.
I just feel that I must be ethical in doing my internship.
Actually, I'm tired with the internship.
There are too many things to fufilled.
At times, I think I'm unable to cope with it.
Luckily, my beloved site supervisor and my lecturer are very supportive.
They both motivate me a lot during th internship.
Needless to say about a course mate of mine.
She's really helpful.
She inspires me a lot.
There is a short period of time I feel hard to leave my internship place.
It's because there are too many good things and memorabe experience that I gained throughout the internship.
Another important notion is that I feel that I'm not yet ready for the world of work.
I'm too kind-hearted till that others like to bully me.
I'm not strong enough to protect myself from being bullied by others.
I need some more time to gain the strength to fight back.
However, thers's always a termination in gaining experience in a field.
Then, the journey of gaining new experience has to continue in another field.
I must step out from there and enter to a new world or a new environment.
It's what we called as life.
I shall start a new life ahead.

~("v")~

Election

It's time to be a voter.
I'll go back to Ipoh, my lovely hometown, in order to contribute my vote for the country.
I'm thinking of going back on next Thursday night with my Little Xean Xean.
Then, I've to take one-day-leave.
It's fine to take leave from this week and the following week because my list of clients are busy with their training in order to be stand-by during election on 9th March, 2008.
I thought I won't need to vote because the registration that I've done in June last year seemed to be too simple and not professional.
Is it a good thing or bad thing of being registred as a voter?
I've to be responsible as a voter.
I've to vote for the party which can lead the country in harmony.
It's not only my responsibility.
Every voter has his responsibility.
Voting the best to be leader.

xpp

my lovely site supervisor and the internship place

my lovely site supervisor is a lady in her fifties.
she is very nice and helpful.
i like to look at her.

i still remembered the first time i met her in the office.
she was so fabulous.
i talked to myself that she is very beautiful.
she is elegant.

she is the superintendent in the counselling unit.
her salary, i don't know, but i think it's around RM7K or above.

i hope i can join the police but the least qualification i also can't pass through.
i wear spectacles and i am too short.

i'm happy to be an intern in Maktab Polis Diraja Malaysia Kuala Lumpur in Cheras.
it's like a big family.
everyone in the office is very soft-spoken and helpful.
the rapport among the staff is very strong.

i'm now one of the family members here.
i'm proud to be one of them.


XPP

Feeling Scared

i'm scared right now.
it's because i don't know when the supervision will be.
i've been worried for 3 weeks.
unlike other friends, their practical just requires them to write log book about what they have done on each day.
my practical is different.
that's why it's called internship.
i need to fulfill 600 credit hours.
300 hours: administration and management;
180 hours: organising activities and programmes;
080 hours: individual counselling sessions; and
040 hours: group counselling sessions.

when i first received the manual regarding the distribution of credit hours, i was shocked and i felt like i couldn't have a hard time to finish the 180 hours.
now, when i'm in the field, i think i may suffer from looking for clients to fulfill 080 hours and 040 hours.

i just came back from PRS course.
it was a three-day course.
actually, i became the technician for the course.
well, it was my job because i was told to help my lovely site supervisor, Madam Mary.

i am a punctual person but not the other 2 interns.
so, i have to wait them in the morning and to think of reasonable excuses for their lateness these three days.
bored.

besides, one of the speakers in the course was not the right person to give the talk regarding ethics.
she relied on me, and also the other two interns, to answer questions asked by participants.
OMG!
she should have prepared everything and have experience in handling stuff like this.
most probably she would be balcklisted in the speaker's list.

now, i'm looking forward the supervision.
hopefully it'll be done after chinese new year.
then, i can enjoy the whole week.

and i've to prepare and organise my programmes well so that i can impressed my lovely supervisor.


XPP

life as an intern

i'm now practising in Cheras.
i'm not really with what i'm doing now.
i've to compete with other interns in getting clients and the time to conduct session.
at times, i feel that i'm too kind-hearted.
i really don't know how to say "no" to others.
he's a disabled individual.
it doesn't mean he can take advantage on me.
i've been too helpful to him.
i've to learn how to distance myself from him.
i can't let him always troublesome me.
he nearly ruin my life.
i feel disguising whenever he calls my name.
because i know for sure that he's going to troublesome me.
she's a pretty lady.
it doesn't mean she can get more privilege than me.
let's play it fare and square.
keeping telling me that she has many admirers makes me feel disguising.
listing out that she is the only individual that everyone will refer to shows that she's too self-centred.
it's like all the people in the world are living because of her.

both are too arrogant.
too self-interest.
never show empathy.

now...
he wants me to teach him English language.
she, on the other hand, wants me to teach her Mandarin language.
i've no time to take rest.
how could i squeeze time for their weird purpose.
i learnt Mandarin language since young.
i learnt English language, the most proper type, when i was in form four.
my family paid for the latter.

i've to be strong and independent.
i've to do all my proposal now so that i could finish everything on time.

("v")