I've lost 10% for my internship report.
The reason is I passed it up late.
My lecturer told me that the due date was 3rd of May.
I passed it up on 8th of May.
I thought I've followed the instruction stated in the internship manual.
Pass up within a week after end of internship.
I thought I've passed it up earlier.
10% for the report.
And another 10% for the evaluation given by my site supervisor.
So, I've lost 20% in total.
I cried for a few days and thought of commiting suicide.
I thought of various ways of making my lecturer(s) feel regret.
Commit suicide might be the best way.
I thought of cutting my wrist and took a nice shot of the wound.
Then, MMS it to all my lecturers.
I thought of carrying out in my home during the weekend.
Somehow, I've no courage to do so.
I thought about my parents' feelings and my little Xean Xean's feelings.
Soon, I returned to my internship place.
I thought of cutting my wrist in the midnight in the hostel.
I'd let my blood dry up.
My bed in the hostel is totally in white colour.
So, it'd be extremely artistic with the colour of my blood.
I thought for a long time.
I cried.
However, it was just a thought.
No action was taken.
I realise that my depression episode is happening more frequently.
I can't help myself.
I can't stop thinking about ways to sabotage myself.
I'll feel relief once I hurt myself, regardless of the size of the wound.
I just read a book called "Suspect".
It's a story about a psychologist in his way to prove himself to be innocent in a homicide case.
The victim was Catherine.
She was once the psychologist's patient, with a tendency of sabotaging herself when she was sad.
I found that I'm Catherine.
I like to sabotaging myself.
After doing so, I'll be very happy.
The internship report has made me suffer from depressive episode for a few days.
I really dislike my programme.
It's a suck.
I always blame on my one of my lecturers.
He was the one who didn't allow me to change to another programme which I love so much.
I hate him.
He promised he'd let me go once I finished first year in the current programme.\
He lied to me.
He never thought of letting his students to change to any other programmes of their interest.
I'm in a field which makes me suffer from insomnia and hypertension.
I feel that I'm lucky that I can still blog right now.
I always think of "what if..." in many circumstances.
I really hate the programme even though I'm moving towards the end of my study.
Sound very sarcastic.
I've to learn to love myself.
I need support to stop sabotaging myself.
It'll end up with too many wounds then if I don't control.
It hurts.
xpp
